The life of each of us is like a room with no space limitations, but with a single entrance door that does not allow exit.
After understanding this simple concept, it is easy to understand that the quality of one’s life depends on who goes through that door, on who we can find in our room.
This book is intended as a guide to managing your own room / life, to learn how to select who can access it, since whoever enters it will influence us forever.
The people in our room determine our happiness
Let’s start by imagining that our life is a room with a single entrance door, but from which there is no way out, happiness and success depend on who is present in the room.
With this new understanding, would different choices have been made? Will you choose differently who enters the room from now on? Those in the room, even if they are characters from a distant past, continue to influence our life in millions of ways, the past cannot be changed, however you have control over your future choices.
remember the moments of anger and who was in the room with us then. These can be called moments of dissonance.
Now instead we remember the moments of joy, who was in the room? These are termed moments of resonance.
Achieving a degree of awareness about your relationships with people and how they affect us emotionally is important for learning how to identify resonances and dissonances, to understand how to manage your room and what to invest in.
Check the front door to our room
The door leading to your room is not locked and can be opened by everyone, therefore it is necessary to learn to control it by setting up an imaginary doorkeeper, who will manage who has access to it.
To decide who to grant access to, you must first of all determine your own values, the current ones and those to which you aspire, later it will be necessary to understand who is already present in your room and how it affects our life. Introspection can help you make different and wiser choices in the future.
Get to know each other to better manage the entrance to the room
Knowing your values is essential to manage the room, since these are the rules that must determine access to it. There are two types of values, the values to which one aspires and the values according to which one acts, that is, the current values, an important step is to recognize them.
we create a list of ten values in which we recognize ourselves and then we delete three or four in order to leave only the most important ones. One method of eliminating unnecessary values is to think about how one would act if the given value were really important, for example: if success were really important to me I would do more in my work.
After completing the list, you need to describe why value is important and how you put it into practice.
Another useful exercise could be to have a Personal Declaration Form in which to divide one’s values into categories, for example: finance, family, career, etc …
It is vitally important not to be vague in describing your values, you need to have clear ideas. A solution to this problem is to imagine five people with whom you want to spend more time together and then select a dozen values that describe each of them.
The common values will be your own values, if these do not reflect who you aspire to become, then the friends in our room are not the right ones.
The next exercise is to determine your breaking points, that is, the behaviors and values that you cannot tolerate in your life.
Knowing your values and breaking points you can control access to your room and consequently you gain more control over your life.
Evaluate people inside the room
After determining your values and access to the room, it’s time to evaluate who is already in it.
to facilitate the evaluation of the people in your room you can divide them into categories, for example: family, social media, work and so on. At this point, when you have a list, you have to start evaluating the resonance and dissonance of each subject.
Understand who the people in our room are
Now the time has come to put your concierge to work to select the subjects to whom to guarantee access to the room based on your values and breaking points, and also how to manage who is already inside.
We must first understand that there are two types of subjects, the “engines”, which are focused on the solution and help us give the best of ourselves, and the “anchors”, those who are focused on the problem and drag us down together with them. The goalkeeper must guarantee access to the “engines”.
To train the doorman to control who enters the room it is important to learn to say no and it is necessary to understand that there is no need to feel guilty about it.
The goalkeeper must also give access priority to mentors, those who help achieve what we consider important.
to strengthen the relationship with mentors you can create a two-column list in which on one side write all those who are already in your room and how they improve our life, while on the other you must list at least one action that can help strengthen the relationship with the mentor.
How to manage people inside
After lesson four and then after evaluating who is in your room and determining your values, the time has come to learn how to manage all those subjects to whom in the past, before this introspection, we guaranteed access to the room, but that we now know are harmful.
As already mentioned, nobody can leave our room once we enter, however we can make sure that the dissonant elements are put aside, in a box, on one of the hardest to reach shelves.
you can start using the benign abandonment strategy in an intentional way, for example by not responding immediately to emails and messages, trying to be less available with people who create dissonance and minimizing the time spent together. In this way, space is created for those we consider really important in our life.
Sometimes people who are harmful to us may be family members we love, in this case it is not necessary to eliminate all the contacts, but to make them happen in small doses.
Finally, it is important to set limits on behaviors that are considered unacceptable by those in the room (these will be connected to the breaking points of lesson three). You can now implement the behavioral stopping strategy, which consists of communicating unacceptable behaviors in your room to the other person so that the latter behaves accordingly.
Managing your room is not difficult, you just have to train yourself to foresee any situation so as not to let harmful subjects enter by mistake.
What perception do we have of our room?
After discovering your values and learning to manage the room, you have to ask yourself, how do we live in our room?
Balance, that is, giving the same amount of time to all areas of our life, is only an illusion, one should not aim for it, but for a life in harmony with one’s values.
for this exercise you need to find a calm place to concentrate, prepare a pen and a sheet and think about all the moments of your life in which you really felt alive, in order to identify the people and activities that really matter more. Once this is done, you can start writing a small paragraph for each activity, describing which feature we are excited about.
After getting this new awareness it is easy to understand that we need to spend more time with people or activities that give us a sense of harmony.
Other important techniques for living in a harmonic room are:
- be present in the moment;
- manage your time creatively to increase harmony;
- train in welcoming what makes us feel good and say no to what is harmful;
- plan moments of relaxation;
- determine your limits and apply them to those around us;
- free from guilt for choosing one person or an activity over another, the sense of guilt hinders harmony.
Design the room to live actively
The way you design your room helps you live life more actively, following your own values, instead of simply reacting to the situations in which we find ourselves.
The concept of the room wants to push us to move from an unconscious to a conscious decision-making process, to learn to plan one’s life to achieve harmony and follow one’s values.
It is vital, however, not to simply learn the concepts listed in this book, but to act, to take action, because the improvement that you want does not come only from reflection and awareness.